running, crawling...

10:58PM - Deleting...

Please add post_anxiety - this journal will be imploding soon. Thanks.

8:26PM

New love, old love. Canada in seven days. Nervous. Anxious. Excited.

______________________________

I look into your eyes, and I see
I see a part of me
you're better than I'd ever hoped you be
and when you smile you light the room
you loved me, and you make it clear
I wonder what I ever did to deserve
to have you near

Sorry I had to go away
no please don't misconstrue
I just hope you'll understand one day
the hardest part was leaving you

You know that last December
I wanted to be with you
I know that I should have been there too
for you
you might be the only one I love
it makes me choke up
choke up

I'm scared that if it carries on this way
you'll feel the way I do
and I don't want that but I still run away
and its breaking me in two

10:23PM

If everything could ever feel this real forever,
If anything could ever be this good again,
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when.

8:45PM

I need something to live for and on Sunday nights it eats at me. This is where I am really alone. I listen to music and try not to listen to a rising anxiety that tells me I cannot continue like this. In 11 hours I will be in front of a classroom once more. There are 18 more Mondays, 18 Tuesdays, 18 more Fridays to get through and although I can do it, I don't really know if I can.

I know I can't do this on my own. I talk to myself and say "you just need to survive this, buddy. Be responsible and see out the year. You can be who you want to be, just wait until December. Be smart. Stick it out." But that's my parents talking. That's not me. I am not my job. I am not my bank account.

My girlfriend has been gone 6 weeks and I need her here because I worry that I am buying into a life I didn't choose. I choose to be with her but I don't even know myself yet, who am I when I'm not playing some role or other? Do I just act the part: teacher, boyfriend, lover, brother or is there something more to me? When I say "I love you" is that me talking or am I just saying what I'm supposed to say? Should I listen when I get that feeling that tells me nothing is alright? Should I even be here? This is an empty, soulless place for me. On Sunday nights I can't find the strength to be who I need to be for another week.

I might survive this but will there be anything left of me at the end of the year? I've already given up on everything I've ever believed in.

7:46PM

song for a Sunday night where nothing seems to make sense. I have a lot of regrets about the way things are turning out.

3:34AM - I'm In Love! <3

Current mood: happy

1:01AM

I don't know what to say
Don't know what to talk about
Don't know what to do
About me and you
I don't know what to think
I always feel time's running out
It's getting harder
Harder to get a clue
Even when we're quiet fighting
Silent treatment on the street
Still there's no doubt we're going home together
Even when we're silent fighting
Making a scene on the street
We'll be under the covers and out of the weather
I just can't tell the truth
Always thinking 'bout leaving you
I'll be the captive
You'll be the captain
I'll be your chaperone
I'll book your first date now
Been watching too much television
Been thinking stupid thoughts
So confused about men and women
I just can't tell the truth
Always thinking 'bout leaving you

3:02PM

Work starts again monday after two weeks away in perth and although i feel no sense of urgency there is a lot that has to be done. This life in Geraldton is some other life, one that I am constantly surprised to find myself in. It feels like someone else's. All i can do is try and escape it for brief periods, waking daydreams where I sit and drink coffee and listen to ambience. It gives me a sense of time passing by and it's the only real happiness I feel, however temporary it is. While in Perth I met a girl and spent a week and a half lying with her and thinking about nothing. Being held and surrounded by someone new was a wonderful, temporary happiness too.

Since my relationship with Andrea broke down I've had to go back to searching for a life's purpose, as it were. I find the whole process incomprehensible. Whether it be carrying on my devotion to her or finding something or someone new, I can't help but become increasingly desperate, knowing I don't have the courage to just let go of it all. A temporary happiness is unfulfilling but still better than nothing, and if i try hard enough i might just lose myself in it. Who knows.

11:57PM

heard this driving along the beach on my day off work, thinking about andrea, thinking about geraldton. It's what made me want to write the email.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPEIMf_2wRw

5:44AM

Yup... made it to America just fine; having a great time hanging out with Andrea. Actually we haven't gotten up to a lot but it's been cool, little things have been giving me culture shock and it's the novelty of the whole situation that's keeping me excited. Somehow it all feels incredibly normal and blase at the same time. I guess having heard so much about these places makes it easier to feel comfortable and I've missed Andrea a lot - being close to her makes me so happy i get kind of dreamy. People aren't supposed to be this happy. I can definitely say that it's an unfamiliar feeling for me.

Being decidedly carefree is wonderful but is also kind of enervating... right now i could care less about the news or what my friends are doing or my life back home; i know i should but i don't. Ian gets here Sunday and i'll have to share Andrea after that so i should probably enjoy it as much as possible until then!

Getting kinda hungry so i'm gonna be purposely annoying and try to get Andrea to take me out. Watch me go!